If you’re anything like me, you’ve often wished you could find a computer program to write you a genius essay while you played video games or (if you’re lucky) made out with your girlfriend or boyfriend. 
If this is you, then I am the answer to your prayers because this post is all about how to become your own automatic essay writer.
Don’t believe me?
OK
While it is true that you will still have to do the actual writing, and the thinking that comes before the writing, and the research that comes before the thinking, the steps I’m about to reveal to you here will make it seem as if your paper is writing itself, and isn’t that really what you want? Less stress? More time to do the stuff you want to do and to solidify your status as the supreme object of envy among your peers?
If your life goals are in line with what I promised above (and really, who doesn’t want to be a supreme object of envy?) then stay tuned!
HERE LIES THE ANSWERS TO LIFE, THE UNIVERSE, AND EVERYTHING RELATED TO EASY ESSAY WRITING.
1. GATHER YOUR RESEARCH EARLY
As soon as you receive the assignment (or as soon as you decide what topic you will research) start checking out the interwebs (awesome ninja code for Internet). If your school has an online database, you can search it from the comfort of your bed in your PJs or buck- ass-naked for all I care, and the key here is to SCAN ABSTRACTS. At this point you aren’t reading ANYTHING. Reading the title and the abstract or summary is enough for you to tell if the article is marginally related to your research, and if it is, then you’ve got a winner.
Once you have decided that an article is possibly relevant, download the PDF. I almost always get the PDF instead of the text version because you are guaranteed not to have any missing info due to file transfer errors.
SAVE the PDFs to your computer or an external hard drive in a folder reserved for this project. I normally title the folder the name of the project, and I suggest you do the same unless you revel in the process of losing files and then searching endlessly for them for hours.
For however many sources you think you will need, double the number of articles you save. This will make it easier on you later on, believe me.
At this point you might be ready to ditch this blog post, but wait! This whole first step will only take you an hour or two at most, and will make all the rest of your study brainless and easy. It’s worth it! Believe me!
Now you will have something like this:
And inside it, you should have something like this:
Don’t worry about the colors yet. I’ll get to that.
Once you’ve finished this (and like I said, it should take you about an hour–maybe two), you can relax, make a sandwich, and play WOW for the rest of the day. If you’ve followed my advice, you should still have plenty of time before your project is due.
2. SCAN YOUR ARTICLES
The next day, spend an hour casually scanning your collection of articles. To do this, consider the title again, subheadings if there are some, read the introduction, the thesis sentence, the topic sentence for the main paragraphs, and the conclusion. As you read, sort your articles into three groups: NO, MAYBE, and YES. If an article is a NO, delete it. If an article is a MAYBE, either highlight it an assigned color (as I did in the example above) or make two files inside your main file titled MAYBE and YES.
This process should only take you an hour. Remember, you aren’t reading the articles yet. You are just getting the gist of them. When you’re finished, proceed with your daily awesomeness, whatever that may be.
3. READ YOUR YES ARTICLES
Unless you are pressed for time (which you shouldn’t be if you followed tip number 1) take it easy reading your articles. Read only one or two per day. It should take you maybe 30 minutes.
If you work better with paper, go ahead and print your articles out. Do it all at once. It is easier that way. If you are OK reading and comprehending digitally, leave your articles on your computer and read them there. As you read, highlight passages that stand out to you, and if a comment comes to you, record it in the file. Most PDFs allow comments and highlighting.
Once you are finished, take a moment to write a brief paragraph summary of the article, stating the author’s argument and main points and any particular strengths or weaknesses you noticed. Keep all of these little summaries in one document, and save it in your project folder so it doesn’t get lost.
Take another moment to write a brief paragraph of thoughts, questions, or problems that came to you while reading. Keep all of these questions and comments in one document, and save it in your project folder.
As I stated above, unless you are pressed for time, only do one or two articles per day. This should take you 30 minutes to an hour. That’s it. If you want, you can even split it up. Read the article in the morning, for example, and then write your brief paragraphs at lunch.
As you read, you may find that one of your YES articles is really a NO. That’s fine. Discard it. That is why we found more articles in our initial search than what we need.
Once you have gone through all of your YES articles, decide if you even need to or want to look through your MAYBE articles. If you have enough research already, you might not even want to bother. If, on the other hand, you are short in a particular area or just want to check out what else you have, complete step number 3 again with the MAYBE articles.
GREAT JOB!
At this point you have completed all your research, analyzed and summarized the information, and written brief annotations for each source (so if your project requires an annotated bibliography, you’ve already got that done.)
Now you just have to write the damn thing. BUT WAIT!
Because you put the effort into your research the way that I advised, this paper is going to write itself.
4. CHRONICLE YOUR BRILLIANCE
Researching the way I just outlined makes it easier for your brain (both conscious and subconscious) to assimilate, analyze, and synthesize information. And do you know what happens then?
You get BRILLIANT thoughts!
It’s true! They seem to come from nowhere, but they come from YOU, ya big genius!
At this point you have read, thought, and summarized, and you have something to say to the world: something unique and powerful, and likely something that even makes you a little excited.
But how do you get that brilliant something out of your genius brain and onto paper?
A. Decide what you want to say and write it in one specific sentence. This is your thesis sentence, and it provides the framework for the rest of your paper. It’s your number one chance at awesomeness, so make sure it’s a good one! Ideally your thesis sentence doesn’t just state what you want to argue, but also how you plan to argue it.
B. Write your topic sentences for each of your main point paragraphs.
C. Note your data and evidence under the correct topic sentence (this doesn’t have to be in complete sentences. Just make sure you know what you’re taking about.)
You might have figured out by now that step four is to make an outline, and if you’re like me, you might loathe outlines and think they are a waste of time. That’s fine, but I urge you to just try it. This outline is low maintenance (unlike those obnoxious outlines I used to have to make in sixth grade.) It’s just a way for you to get your brilliance out on paper and make sure you have evidence and sources to back up all that brilliance in an organized way.
5. WRITE THIS PAPER IN YOUR SLEEP (because yeah: you’re that good)
If you’ve followed my advice, then you’ve reached this point with minimal effort. Instead of staring at a screen for three hours trying to decide what to say, you likely figured out what you wanted to say with little effort and were surprised at your own genius. Good for you! I love revealing people’s hidden genius.
It is also likely that by this point, you will have little trouble expanding your outline to adequately explain your points, the counterargument, and your rebuttal.
You see, the real key to becoming an automatic essay writer is not to rush it. You have to give your brain time to process the things you are learning from your research. You have to give yourself time to think about your topic (likely while you’re out for a run or watching Walking Dead) and come to new conclusions on its own. Only then will you be able to spill out words and verbal brilliance. The weird thing is, this process also makes the project a whole lot less stressful in general. By the end you might even be surprised that it was as easy as it was. It’s almost like you didn’t even do it!
Happy Writing!
Jonae´